but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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