I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
