On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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