I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
