I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
