I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
