I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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