i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
