My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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