I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
