Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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