It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
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