Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
