dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
