My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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