I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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