Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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