apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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