Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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