you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
