I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
