Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
