My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
