Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You smell like stripper and shame
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
