mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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