i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
