You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
