Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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