If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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