So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
