He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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