Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
