My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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