Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
