That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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