My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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