i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
