Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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