Kiss
Puke
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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