Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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