when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
