Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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