So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
