I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You need Xanax blowdarts
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
