mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
