You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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