and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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