i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
How's work?
Spinning.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
