gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
