No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
