I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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