i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize