We named our party play list daddy issues
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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