you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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